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Fuck forms - Sing With Me If It's Just For Today... — LiveJournal
If I should fall behind, Guyster, wait for me.
Fuck forms
Every time I’m asked one of those questions on the forms I’ve had to fill out recently, I feel like the front door of a crack house that’s just been rammed in a “Cops” episode. Who is your primary beneficiary? There’s no automatic answer anymore. It’s the same with Who is the contact should there be an emergency? The simple response is no one.

I used to love filling in those sections. Firstly, because it meant I had a real job and wasn’t self-employed anymore. Secondly, there was a certain pride to be able to put down Billy’s name, knowing he would jump at any phone call if there was, in fact, an emergency and also knowing, God forbid I should’ve gotten killed, he would be financially secure.

But in the last week of completing a seemingly endless amount of these fucking forms, the question now just mocks me, it rubs it in and it’s all I can do to not run screaming from my office saying, “No one! Don’t call anyone in an emergency and leave any insurance money to your favorite charity because I don’t give a shit!”

I arrived home late last night and Bob was quivering from being alone for so long. He buried his face in my arms and whined/talked his language that Billy and I had begun to understand. I hugged him, ordered a pizza and went about assembling a TV stand I had ordered. Halfway through, in a fit of frustration and sorrow, I broke down and garishly sobbed. I grabbed Bob and held him until I soaked the top of his ear. The pain was unquenchable and after I was choking up dry tears, I stopped and left the unfinished TV stand where it was, its loose screws peppering the carpet and its incomprehensible pressed wood plates taking center stage.

“Come on, Bob, let’s go to bed,” I said and he padded behind me, jumping up on his side of the bed. I wrote my letter to Billy and pleaded for him to come back. I wrote him of how much fun we’d be having, exploring this city, and my eyes found more water. I kissed his picture and turned to spoon Bob as I went to sleep with an episode of The X-Files playing in the background.
16 comments or Leave a comment
From: umkinda Date: September 5th, 2003 10:33 am (UTC) (Link)
Forms are evil, vicious things. Don't let them pierce you, buddy.
guysterrules From: guysterrules Date: September 5th, 2003 08:27 pm (UTC) (Link)
I guess I just really miss home, and you and Sean were becoming part of it.
From: umkinda Date: September 5th, 2003 09:22 pm (UTC) (Link)
I know. It's the first few days of school, and you're feeling what every Kindergarten studen on the planet is feeling right now. You'll just have to push through it day by day until all of a sudden, you're just there.
ruralrob From: ruralrob Date: September 5th, 2003 11:07 am (UTC) (Link)
Hey, I think you are doing well, moments like this included. In fact I'd be disappointed if they didnt happen, even though they must be hard on you. Know what I mean?

Thank god you have Bob with you. Even if he doesn't need to be named on all those damned forms . . .
guysterrules From: guysterrules Date: September 5th, 2003 08:31 pm (UTC) (Link)
Having Bob here is an extension of Billy, and I appreciate how you understand his value to me. I can't cuddle him close enough. Tomorrow I think him and I are going to explore a little more. There's a large park not far from here that I think he would love.
(Deleted comment)
guysterrules From: guysterrules Date: September 5th, 2003 08:18 pm (UTC) (Link)
I'd be happy to claim all three of those offers.
spleenless From: spleenless Date: September 5th, 2003 04:39 pm (UTC) (Link)
Sorry you had a tough one. It always reminds me of how lucky I am to have a wonderful bio family, but found family is a wonderful gift as well. Look and listen and I'm sure there are some waiting to be found...

Get out and see some cool places, feel free to visit.
guysterrules From: guysterrules Date: September 5th, 2003 08:25 pm (UTC) (Link)
Now that I have all of my Swedish cabinetry completed, I'll allow myself more exploration.

Thanks for the offer. I'm going to take you up on it.
brianrdu From: brianrdu Date: September 5th, 2003 06:52 pm (UTC) (Link)
I tell ya...if I lived up there, I'd be haunting the National Building Museum. I simply LOVE that museum above all others. It's right downtown, very close to the Discovery Store...hell, you probably know where it is. I think it has the most interesting and somewhat esoteric exhibits I've ever seen. And I really adore the main hall...what a beautiful room...those columns!

I'm not ignoring the main content of your post, by the way. I agree with what somebody else said...it's perfectly OK for you to have these kinds of feelings. Makes us out here want to give you more hugs, you know? :)
guysterrules From: guysterrules Date: September 5th, 2003 08:23 pm (UTC) (Link)
I'll have to check it out. I'm not sure where it is or the Discovery store. Our headquarters are in Silver Spring, not DC. Maybe I'll go on a long long walk tomorrow and try and get myself lost in the city until my feet hurt and then I'll grab a cab home.

I hope you let me know when you're coming into DC.
creamycambot From: creamycambot Date: September 5th, 2003 11:38 pm (UTC) (Link)
Sounds hollow in comparison, but I love you, Terry. I really do.
mickster From: mickster Date: September 11th, 2003 01:24 am (UTC) (Link)

Uh...the name's Mickey Ramos...DUH!!!

Okay, do you need me to send you the fucking info so you have it correct for your fucking forms?

Have 'em call me, ass! You don't think that I'd drop everything in the fucking world to be out there in D.C. to fix you.....to help you if you needed me? You don't think I know what it's like to get "THAT" phone call? Spin again, friend...it's burned into my brain.


Stop it. You know well and good that you're a part of my family and always will be.

In the meantime put down Mickey Ramos-1313 Mockingbird Lane.
twillhead From: twillhead Date: November 3rd, 2003 02:40 pm (UTC) (Link)
I'm new to LJ and just found yours. My heart goes out to you, as I am in the same situation, only my Best Friend/Lover/Life Partner/Fellow Dreamer and Stargazer, David, died seven years ago of brain cancer, also at the age of thirty-nine. We were together for fifteen years, so believe me when I say I know what it is like to lose the person you were supposed to grow old with. Hang in there, Brother.
guysterrules From: guysterrules Date: November 3rd, 2003 03:51 pm (UTC) (Link)
I'm sorry, Twill, and I am so sorry about David. I'm glad you found LJ. It's been the best therapy I've found in helping me live without Billy (physically) here. I added you to even my most private sub-groups and I really appreciate you taking the time to read this post. I have no idea how you found it but I'm glad you did.

I look forward to getting to know you and David.

My name is Terry. Feel free to use it.
twillhead From: twillhead Date: November 3rd, 2003 05:31 pm (UTC) (Link)
Hi Terry, I'm Bruce. Thanks for adding me to your "Super Buddy" list. I used to be a voracious writer, but I completely gave up on it after David died. I didn't pick it up again until I discovered 100words.net. If you have the time, take a look at my entries beginning May 2002 (also listed under "Twillhead"). Without thinking about it, my entries became more and more about David, and it was, indeed, extremely therapeutic. Anyway, please e-mail me anytime you feel the need to commiserate. If you would like it and if there is a way I can give it to you without posting it on a public forum, I would like you to have my telephone number as well.

In any event, I'm enjoying getting caught up with your journal entries. I was intrigued regarding the actor who gave you a blow job in a limo back in 1989. I figured out who it was in about 5 seconds flat. As one other reader commented, it's very interesting but not at all surprising.

guysterrules From: guysterrules Date: November 3rd, 2003 06:13 pm (UTC) (Link)
Hi Bruce. That's one of my favorite names. Bruce. Please feel free to private email me (tddanuser@vzavenue.net) and we can exchange phone numbers.

I hadn't written anything other than business-oriented nonsense until I found Live Journal. Billy is my muse and there is nothing I enjoy more than writing about him. It gives me a chance to introduce him to people he never got a chance to meet. I've started, sparingly, to write of him in the present tense. Those are posts that get very few, if any, comments. It makes people nervous but he is so alive for me, I like writing about the way I know things would happen now.
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