GuysterRules (guysterrules) wrote,

  • Mood:

Swirling and Twirling

I am looking out over the bland pale blue sky that softens at the water's edge to create some semblance of horizon and I realize this may be my last time viewing from this particular perch. The job ended last Friday but I have returned to the office for the last two days, more a squatter than a productive employee. The truth is, I'm afraid to go home.

The crushing unknown of the next step has sent my bi-plane into a comically spinning nose dive leaving a smokey trail in the sky. I have "designed" so many careers of others yet mine is a mish-mash of experience that adds up to a fuzzy future. I look at my dwindling financial cushion and compare it with the APR of my credit card collection and it almost makes me laugh. In the words of Billy's favorite Bruce song Atlantic City, I've got debts no honest man can pay.

I made a comprehensive list of all of the people I should call today and to whom I should send a resume. I've completed six of those calls, only one yielding a slim possibility of developing programming at the Biography Channel. I've left messages for eight and I will be surprised if half of them call back. The list is stacked with those who I am paralyzed to call; the president of Fox who I knew a decade ago when we developed a project together and before he ascended to national notoriety. A few people from HBO who have dropped off my radar, or rather the other way around, since I began working in radio four years ago.

The most disappointing call of the day was from my ex-boss who was just promoted to senior management at Sirius. While he contends to believe in me and my talents, and I believe he believes, he said there was nothing he could do for six months to a year. I wish I had the luxury of waiting. I would do nothing but sit at home and write the book that tickles my mind.

I am absolutely guided by routine. The last sixteen months and four days have shaken any notion of consistency into a frothy dream of used-to-bes and now, without a place to report daily, the conceit of order and custom is laughable. I read Creative Visualization over the weekend and I fell asleep. While I know the precept to be true, the implementation seems downright Everest.

This certainly isn't the first time I've had a career hiccup. When it's happened in the past, Billy's shiny admonition was, "Stop swirling and twirling!" Those were the days when I knew I could stop. I could take a breath and know someone had my back, the bills would be paid and everything would be somehow handled. Those were the days of teamwork.

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