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Sing With Me If It's Just For Today...
If I should fall behind, Guyster, wait for me.
The Emmys last night, and today, so far.....
My friend, Scott, came over last night for pizza and the Emmys. Scott, a well known and respected comedian, is one of the most self-absorbed people on the planet and if he weren't so charming about it, it would be unbearable. Scott has an opinion, most often negative, on EVERYTHING so the Emmys were ripe for his running commentary. So we smoked some pot, ate pizza and riffed on the weepy celebrities and dull tributes. We railed at Sean Hayes bringing a woman to the awards rather than his lover. We chided any mention of Sex in the City because it is the least funny and most respected show on the air. We were repulsed when Michael Patrick King accepted his writing award. Just because you can say the word "dick" or "rim" on your show, Michael, doesn't mean it can pass for funny.

We were both really happy Michael Chiklas won.

Scott was also very close to Billy but they had a bad falling out with one another that never got repaired before Billy passed away. Honestly it is an emotionally tricky area for me because I love Scott but he did treat Billy badly at one point and, in the shadow of Billy's passing, I find it unforgivable. But I do forgive him as I know Billy ultimately did before he died.

After Scott left, I took my nightly Klonopin and watched a film from the 60s I hadn't seen since I was a kid (Mirage) with Gregory Peck. I set the timer and fell off to sleep as I thought of a conversation I wish I'd had with Billy.

Being an insomniac by nature, falling asleep since January 21st (243 days ago) has been unbeliveably challenging. I usually spend those moments before slumber filled with conversations and actions I wish I would have taken. If I did this, maybe Billy wouldn't have died. If I said that, maybe he would have had a moment of happiness instead of the moment of sadness that I dealt him. In 9 1/2 years, I built up a lot of regrets. When there is no way to EVER make these corrections, well, it can play awful games with my head.

I got up early today for a meeting with two of the principals of a start-up company of which I will be a major part. It is a comedy-based company and both players have little or no experience in either comedy or radio. So the debate always becomes, "What is funny."

Funny is one of the most subjective words so there is rarely a consensus. It's really frustrating but politically, this is not the hill I want to battle on right now. So I listen to their opinions and I implement them as best I can without killing my own integrity.

I'm sitting here listening to Dr. Laura and putting off going through a pile of comedy CDs to find a 15 second clip for something.

SIDEBAR: Dr. Laura, in radio terms, is a genius broadcaster. In social terms, she has so much value in the advice she gives. So much of public opinion of her is shaded by the recent GLAAD snit when they successfully had her TV show cancelled. GLAAD (Gay Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation) is extortion wrapped as activism. Scott Seoman (pronouced "semen"), the spokesbitch for GLAAD, needs to shut the fuck up. They obstensibly represent the gay community and watchdog entertainment for negative portrayals of homosexuals. In fact, what they do is take money from studios and networks. As long as they are paid, anyone can say anything aboyut anyone. If they're not paid off, then the project gets labelled homophobic and your project is likely to get shut down. Welcome to free speech. Like so much of the gay "community," it doesn't reflect me or my life, and I resent GLAAD speaking on my behalf.

Current Mood: aggravated aggravated
Current Music: Cleaning Out My Closet - Eminem

5 comments or Leave a comment
redcub From: redcub Date: September 23rd, 2002 02:50 pm (UTC) (Link)

I have been there my friend. My husbear died when he stopped taking his anti-depressants and decided suicide was a better option than life.

One morning I woke up and he was gone. The next day a friend of ours found the body. That was October 29, 2001.

I do honestly and truely understand what you are going through.

You have done a hell of a job moving forward when your world fell apart. I know about the empty bed, and the car that isn't full.

I know.

What I also know is that "coulda-woulda-shoulda" just doesn't work.

You and I have both torn our hearts out thinking how we could have maximized our time with them. How maybe we could have seen that ONE FUCKING CLUE so that we could have done the heroic thing and saved the ones we love.

Life often sucks on planet earth.

You must try to take comfort in the hollow things people offer you; they mean well even when you want to punch them for each platitude given.

You must try to look at the possible variations; He did not suffer for years after a near-terminal stroke. He was not turned into a vegatable. He was a beautifully functional man up to the last second.

Whether we make it to 40 or 80 or until tomorrow, few people have it as lucky as them, or as us, for having had them in your lives.

I know your heart hurts. I know you just want to make it better - to get in that last hug and make sure he knows you love him. Healing from this will take you quite some time, as it is taking me quite some time. This too sucks, but as much you may want to, or not want to, you healing will happen if you let it.

I wish you luck in your grieving, and ask that you accept my heartfelt condolances.
(Deleted comment)
guysterrules From: guysterrules Date: November 9th, 2002 04:30 pm (UTC) (Link)
Your Seomin stories make me fucking howl! That is the best! While my friend, Scott, or I have never met him, we both loathe his "politics." Your tales bolster the chicanery we always believed to be at the heart of his statements.And I love the description of his apartment. You can almost hear the "oomp-chuga-chuga" in the background. HAHAHAHAHA . Pool balls. I can't wait tell Scott.

Have a great weekend! Steer clear of Seomin.
(Deleted comment)
guysterrules From: guysterrules Date: November 9th, 2002 10:28 pm (UTC) (Link)
I certainly understand the impulse to expose the fraud named Seomin but he's just a mouthpiece for the bigger target. He's just some asshole making ends meet who also has an odd taste for billiards. Isn't that really just a variation on the ping pong ball trick? I also believe when you do something vengeful, it comes back to bite your ass so you are right to talk yourself out of the temptation.

There's only three people I would seriously consider hurting: two of Billy's "friends" and OJ Simpson. My list is pretty small.

But that doesn't mean I cannot wait to tell Scott about Seomin : )
5 comments or Leave a comment