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I wrote you a private email but since you seem to like the public forum, let me reprint that rely here...followed by a joke in keeping with my new attitude toward LJ.
Marc:
I thought I would take this to a more private area. First let me say I love you very much as a friend. You said many provocative things in your response. Words like "wallowing," "maudlin," and the phrase "an unwillingness to move forward," are all terms used by someone who has never loved and lived with someone for almost ten years only to suddenly find them dead. I understand that. I use this journal as catharsis. I don't care if anyone reads my posts or not. In fact, I probably should make this a private affair and not burden those who have been unlucky enough to sign up as my LJ friend.
First let me address "recovery." It is not the same dynamic as recovering from addiction. I go to a private therapist and also a support group. I read constantly about how best to navigate this. Some days my progress seems remarkable. Some days it feels like January 22nd. There are no steps to take (12 or otherwise) to get emotionally healthy again. It just IS. And that IS takes on different colors depending on so many factors. The last few days have been very very difficult. I have no clue why. They just have been. And I voice that in LJ. I thought that's what it was for.
Ricky didn't feed the fire. He found a lyric he knew I could relate to. He sent it to me because he is a friend who does understand. And I posted it because it had an affect on me. Look, Marc. I know my friends are fatigued by my loss and my grief. I know I'm not as much fun and glib and happy to be with as I used to be.
What most of my friends do NOT understand is that I need to talk about Billy. And since most of my friends (Russell being the prime one) literally refuse to talk about Billy, I thought I could use LJ as that voice. What most people don't understand about this process is that it NEEDS a voice. So it is helpful to my progress to write these things. After reading your post, though, I think this is the wrong forum.
You use this LJ to post hockey scores and complain about spending thousands of dollars on your house and whine about making so much money for doing no work. Fine. Great. I'm sure all those on your friends list who are financially struggling love to read your posts about how difficult it is to be a wealthy home owner.
I have posted many things that have nothing to do with Billy. But the last few days have been rough and that was what was on my mind. Maybe I shouldn't have used LJ as the refuge I sought. Certainly my friends are tired of it. Why wouldn't complete strangers be?
So progress? It's there. Believe me, my friend. I can go a whole dinner with friends and laugh and not even mention Billy once. I do that often. Maybe we can all go out to dinner and I will prove it to you.
Should you ever be unfortunate enough to suffer a devastating loss, please know I will be there to LISTEN to you cry or talk or remember or rage for as long as it takes. And I promise not to be the friend who is looking at his watch and timing the progress of your "recovery."
But to put your post as a comment on LJ rather than to take it offline embarrasses me. But that, I suppose (and I am a newbie at LJ), is the name of the game.
I know your post was tough for you to write but I'm afraid you got it wrong in your assessment of me. I am certain you got it right about your being tired of reading my posts. I love you for writing it because I know you were doing it from a place of love and friendship.
Thank you for both your love and friendship.
Terry.
Now the joke:
What do you call a woman with two black eyes? Someone who didn't listen the first time.
HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA
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