?

Log in

No account? Create an account
entries friends calendar profile My Website Previous Previous Next Next
Bob Slobbers vs. The Dad Smackdown - Sing With Me If It's Just For Today...
If I should fall behind, Guyster, wait for me.
guysterrules
guysterrules
Bob Slobbers vs. The Dad Smackdown
I admit I woke up in a foul mood. After yo-yoing out of bed all night long for no apparent reason, I'm certain I disturbed Bob's sleep as well so neither one of us were in top form when we crawled out of bed. I slumped around the block with him. Watching him do his big business somehow started to lift my spirits.


Back home, I showered and dressed with no mishap. Bob lazily waited on his chair in the living room as I made the bed and cleaned up a little. He waited for breakfast.

Bob insists the feeding ceremony be exactly the same every single time. The ritual starts with me showing his mixing bowl where wet and dry foods meet and I stir them vigorously to co-mingle into a stew of beef and grain. All the while I say "Mmm, look at this Bob! This is going to be good today!"

It was difficult to summon the necessary enthusiasm Bob needs during the prep process. Maybe a little insincerity or weariness crept into my voice. After the stirring comes the presentation, a portion of the routine that requires nothing short of Wolfgang Puck. "Bam!" I say as I slam the food into his bowl in my best Emeril.

He looked up at me as if I had just served up some broken glass.

"What?" I wanted clarification on his doe-eyed stare back at me.

"Bob, please just eat. Come on." The last part had a decidedly more upbeat tune.

He didn't budge. In fact, his eyes grew more determined not to move. I knew I would have to start a new tact.

"He's a Robert. He's a Slobbers. He's a Ro-o-o-o-bert Slobbers." That's his theme song and I was certain he would respond. No go.

I thought maybe reasoning would work. "Please Bob I am late, I have to go to the store first then stop off at the post office and I don't have time to stand here and wait for you to get hungry. What is the problem?"

He slowly backed away from his food station. That is the worst move he could have made and we both knew it.

"Fuck you, Bob, eat your fucking food!"

He ran into the living room, tail tucked, and headed for his chair. I stood my ground in the kitchen slowly sinking into embarrassment and shame at my behavior. I walked to his chair, sat down in front of him and held his head in my hands while I kissed the side of his nose.

"I'm sorry, baby. Now come on in and eat. I love you. You know that Silly Slobberdog," his face melted a little, his eyes stared directly in mine.

I stood up and he followed. I went over by his bowl and he came in to finish his breakfast. I stood there, watching him as he scrambled for the last few bites and I thought how very familiar this entire fight played out.

Current Mood: guilty guilty

7 comments or Leave a comment
Comments
(Deleted comment)
guysterrules From: guysterrules Date: March 31st, 2003 02:37 pm (UTC) (Link)
Well Billy made up the song and no audio is available but if you follow along "My Darling Clementine," you will be pitch perfect. I think you could transpose the lyrics to fit the Mont, if needed. It does have a magical effect...sometimes.
ruralrob From: ruralrob Date: March 31st, 2003 06:21 pm (UTC) (Link)
You know, I was trying to guess where this story was heading and I thought you were going to tell us how you got down on your knees and pretended to eat, thus to encourage the Slobberman to partake more readily. I am so glad I got it all wrong!

My doggy experience this morning pales in comparison, but I got up at 6am (yikes!)to feed the little buggers who wouldn't take no for an answer. Normally this miserable task falls to a certain other person in this household, who shall remain nameless. He - and the doggies -owe me big time, because, take it from me, I am not at my best at 6am in the morning in my dresing gown out in the garage. In Nanookville. In winter.
guysterrules From: guysterrules Date: March 31st, 2003 08:27 pm (UTC) (Link)
I wish I had gotten on all fours and pretended to eat. It would have made me feel better, and Bob, rather than standing there screaming "Fuck!" at him then leaving him alone for the day. I felt guilty all day long about it. But I'm home now and we've made up.

You have a very good Meirion there to do that on cold winter mornings.
zombietruckstop From: zombietruckstop Date: March 31st, 2003 09:19 pm (UTC) (Link)
My cats are the same way. Sort of. They have to have wet food for breakfast and dry for dinner. Bonky always takes the first bite out of whichever bowl is set down first, so his bowl goes down first so Rory will actually get some.

Occasionally I'll give them a tiny portion of real food from something I'm eating. Only animal flesh without sauce type things. The other day I put down a piece of turkey in each of their bowls. Sniff, sniff. Then walking away. I was like, "Dude, that's TURKEY! Eat that!" They would't eat it until it was clear they were getting nothing else...
guysterrules From: guysterrules Date: March 31st, 2003 09:49 pm (UTC) (Link)
That's really funny the way you have to carefully choreograph their feeding. I love the notion of Bonky taking control and poor Rory taking up the rear.

I felt stupid all day long for having screamed at Bob. I can be a real asshole when I first wake up, especially after a contentious night's sleep. Billy got the brunt of that for many years. I guess now it's poor Bob's turn. Geez. You'd think I would learn a lesson somewhere along the way.
raptusanxieux From: raptusanxieux Date: April 1st, 2003 04:57 am (UTC) (Link)
So I'm NOT the only one who sings a theme song to the pet...Miss Peenit Woo Wee, I've traveled around, and petted a hound, but I've never found...anybody like she...Miss Peenit Woo Wee. I can't convey the off-key warbling properly.
I find animals always give me a harder time if I'm cranky. I don't know if it's because I'm throwing a vibe and it makes them cranky, or if they're just screwing with me and taking advantage to get even for all the nail trimmings and baths. Fuzzy bastards.
guysterrules From: guysterrules Date: April 1st, 2003 09:06 am (UTC) (Link)
Fuzzy bastards yes but who can live without them? I love your theme song. I bet she does too.
7 comments or Leave a comment