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The Cuisinart Of My Mind - Sing With Me If It's Just For Today... — LiveJournal
If I should fall behind, Guyster, wait for me.
The Cuisinart Of My Mind
I got home late tonight. The network run-through went well but the notes from the executives droned endlessly and left no time to get something decent to eat on the way home. I stopped at 7/11, bought two sad hot dogs that had been rolling in place all day long and a bag of chips. When I opened the front door at home, I was met with Bob yelps, groans and moans. Bobtalk. I put down my stuff on the trunk in the living room that holds much of our collected treasures and buried my head under his chin which is always guaranteed to raise the volume.

I walked into the kitchen, opened the magic cabinet that holds the "big business" bags. Billy coined the phrase "big business bags" for the plastic we walk around with in our pockets on Bob walks. "You know. For big business!" Bob knows the term as well. It's one of the few times he lifts his eighty-eight pounds off the floor in a circle of joy.

We got back home and as Bob ate his dinner, I ate mine. I sat at our kitchen table that had been home to our meals for so many years. I ate my hot dogs and chips. I pondered, not for the first time, I had not cooked anything for the last fourteen months. Not one thing. In fact, I literally haven't opened our food cabinet. Not once. Go ahead. Open it. After I stuffed down the dried out buns wrapped around those dogs, I got up and looked inside the pantry.

It was all there. Billy's favorite pasta boxes, sagging from the time passed, were right next to the stack of tuna cans we had bought during a recent stab at a better diet. Cobwebs linked the jar of cooking oil to a box of candies Billy bought me some time ago. I can't even remember when. Two jars of our favorite spaghetti sauce stood strong as if they knew they would never be opened.

It wasn't until I looked up at the top shelf that I started to cry. Two boxes of Captain Crunch and a box of Lucky Charms were the things I was most afraid of. There they were. Their bright colors were dulled by age and cobwebs. "They're magically delicious!" was what he said every time he would bring a bowl back to bed to eat while we watched TV. He said it as if I had forgotten how delicious they were. Magically!

Seeing the dust on those boxes told me everything I already knew. It brought me to my knees. Bob came over and stood by me as I cried, and I reached and grabbed him and hung on. He didn't move but let me get a patch of his black hair wet. We were locked in this weird and, I'm sure for him, uncomfortable position for about five minutes. I kissed him right on his black blubber lips and stood up. I closed the cabinet doors and realized there was not another reason to open them again.

I'm upstairs now, in the guest house, answering email and I am wondering what will ever be magically delicious again.

Current Mood: weird weird
Current Music: Shameless - Garth Brooks

11 comments or Leave a comment
wonderboynj From: wonderboynj Date: March 26th, 2003 11:08 pm (UTC) (Link)

I wish I had the ability to see the world as you do, and to write as well as you do.

I'm proud you had the courage to open the pantry, though Im a little worried that you haven't cooked at all in 14 months??? What do you normally eat?

Don't make me come to LA and get all jewish mother on you and bob.

guysterrules From: guysterrules Date: March 27th, 2003 09:04 am (UTC) (Link)
Would you be the Jewish mother I always wished I had? I eat fast food, on the run with as little thought as possible. I try and find others to join me for lunch or dinner so I can eat something more substantial. It's amazing you can lose 30 pounds on the diet I've had although I would not suggest it to anyone.
ruralrob From: ruralrob Date: March 27th, 2003 04:45 am (UTC) (Link)
So sad! But on the other hand, probably the best LJ entry you've ever written. Amazing.

drood would be proud of you!
(Deleted comment)
guysterrules From: guysterrules Date: March 27th, 2003 09:33 am (UTC) (Link)
Vance I would be lying if I said I didn't write with you in mind but the last few entries I have just poured out because I have no where else to go. As I wrote back to ruralrob, these last few days have been tear stained and I am not certain the reason. I mean, I know the why but not the why now. Maybe the war. My mind drifts to those wives and mothers and kids who have lost their dad to the service or soon will. The weight of the news is burdensome and it is easier for me to frame if I bring it home.
guysterrules From: guysterrules Date: March 27th, 2003 09:15 am (UTC) (Link)
Thanks Rob. I don't know why but the last few days have really been tough. Billy tough. Maybe it's the war that beats constantly and I think of my baby when he was in the Navy and how scared and pumped he would have been to be engaged. Thankfully he was in the service when there was no conflict.

But I don't know why. At least I don't know why right now. It's just been bad.

From: pit6steve Date: March 27th, 2003 04:59 am (UTC) (Link)
As I read more and more of your posts I realize just how much you loved Billy. Crying is something that has become such a daily routine in my life that I don't think I can survive without it. Like you the least little thought or movement in life will trigger the tears.

I know there are many others not only in LJ but in the real world who are going through the same emotions and experiences that you and I are going through...the loss of the man in our lives. I am so looking forward to reading about your times with Billy...both good and bad.

Rest comfortable, my new friend, as I understand and know exactly what you're going through!!!
guysterrules From: guysterrules Date: March 27th, 2003 09:27 am (UTC) (Link)
Rest comfortable, my new friend, as I understand and know exactly what you're going through!!!

I know you do, Steve, and I'm sorry you do. I read others entries with a warm feeling of happiness. Like reading ruralrob. Hearing his wonderful stories of domesticity and the love in their home brings me back to Billy but in a good way. Reading drood let's me know what a beautiful functioning relationship is and he inspires me as a writer. Checking in on fabulist everyday, I am encouraged the fire in his belly and the whimsy and poetry of his writing. I know reading you everyday will bring me closer to someone who shares the impact of what has happened.

24 years together is a testament to the love you shared. I know, like me, you are thankful for each moment of those years, the good and the bad.

Come on, Steve, let's take a ride.
From: pit6steve Date: March 28th, 2003 04:23 am (UTC) (Link)


When I read journals where someone has a partner...it always brings a big smile to my face. Especially those who have been together for so many years. They talk about the little things that happens in their relationship that brings back so many fond memories. Its like taking a trip down memory lane. At times I have a hard time reading them as I tend to miss Ted so much. But again after the tears dry up I look up to the Heavens and tell Ted to hold on...as I will cross that rainbow bridge and we will be together once again.
guysterrules From: guysterrules Date: March 28th, 2003 09:23 pm (UTC) (Link)
But again after the tears dry up I look up to the Heavens and tell Ted to hold on...as I will cross that rainbow bridge and we will be together once again.

That is such a beautiful way of saying it. I tell Billy all the time, "I'll be home before you know it, honey bunny,"
From: pit6steve Date: March 29th, 2003 02:48 am (UTC) (Link)


Your way of talking to Billy has touched my heart and put a smile of my face. THANK YOU for sharing!!!
among_the_stars From: among_the_stars Date: March 27th, 2003 10:35 am (UTC) (Link)
What a rough evening....
11 comments or Leave a comment