While in New York, I was surrounded by smokers. I could smoke in my office. I could smoke in my boss' office. I could smoke in the produce section of Food Emporium if I wanted to, for crying out loud. That was New York in 1993. It also was much more difficult to keep the work-out/diet regime going in that city. "Egg whites only, please." The greek diner waiters would always give me that head cock a dog gets when you say a familiar word. I learned how to say, "No yolk" in broken Greek. They would arrive on a plate swimming in grease.
When we moved back to LA, I contnued smoking out of depression and habit. Then I stopped. Then I started. Stopped again. Tail chasing at its best.
OK all you non-smokers out there, please stop waving your hand in front of your nose. This is just a discussion. I really, really like smoking cigarettes. I know this is lost on those who have never smoked and all I can say to you is "Lucky you!" If my way-back machine was working, I would never have started either.
I am at an impasse. I love smoking cigarettes but continuing the habit prevents me from going back to the gym. The two events are inextricably tied . My therapist (a smoker) suggests I go to back to the gym and smoking will naturally fall away from my life. Not a bad thought and worth a try.
To stop smoking also represents a personal triumph. For the last year, I have been aggressively unhealthy. Beyond smoking at a level of Fran Lebowitz, I have embraced a horrendous diet. I have lost 30 pounds going from a nicely husky 210 to a lanky 180. I don't want to be lanky. Lanky bad. But then I get tangled up into this emotional quicksand saying that I don't want to have a positive body image, I'm not interested in being attractive again, and I don't care about my health.
Finally, smoking is a habit. A determined little rabbit with sharp teeth that grabs your arm and won't let go. After kicking two major addictions, this has proven to be the most difficult. I have tried the patch, hypnosis and Zyban. Zyban is just a SSRi anti-depressant that has unwanted psychological effects so no Zyban. The patch has its own personal drawbacks. Hypnosis has worked in the past and it will probably be the road I take.
Anybody else have any other suggestions? I'm all smokey ears.