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Another thought... - Sing With Me If It's Just For Today...
If I should fall behind, Guyster, wait for me.
guysterrules
guysterrules
Another thought...
As I tried to drift off last night, it occured to me after seeing the video tape of our last Christmas, I not only missed Billy but I missed myself. On that tape, I saw a guy who didn't have any other cares in the world except for the mundane, day-to-day nonsense that we all get wrapped up in. But I was happy. Really happy. It was like looking at a completely different person on screen. I miss me being happy. I miss me being me.

Current Mood: contemplative contemplative
Current Music: Bob still licking his genitals - hmmmm

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Comments
explosivo From: explosivo Date: December 25th, 2002 11:15 pm (UTC) (Link)
OK, that could be a breakthrough, becase I think we ALL miss you being you... you being happy :)
guysterrules From: guysterrules Date: December 26th, 2002 03:43 pm (UTC) (Link)

I know...

I know my friends want to see me happy. I know this has been an exhausting year for those around me who only want the best for me. That fills me with love and hope. And I thank you.

It's tricky because since January 21st, I have been reluctantly alive. It wasn't until sometime this summer that I started to have some intellectual understanding of my life now. I pray every night for the strength to become more emotionally controlled over the loss of Billy. Sometimes it works, sometimes not.

It was shocking, and you're right, a breakthrough of sorts as I watched "me" being happy. It was almost unrecognizable. But it made me wonder how I can be happy again without the balance, the safety and the love I had standing next to me in those shots. Ugh, Marc, it is just so fucked up. I don't know.

Sometimes it works, sometimes not.
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