One of the presents Billy got me last Christmas was a camcorder. It was the one gadget I really wanted and didn't already have. He knew that. I spent the next 27 days video taping my favorite subject - Billy. He was shy at first, telling me to turn it off but I wore him down. Pretty soon he loosened up and started to play in front of the camera. Doing silly faces, saying goofy things, just being Bill.

The tape is one of the two most prized possessions I have now. I have watched it twice since January21st. I watched it again tonight. There he was. Standing by our tree and telling me how much he loved Mary J. Blige. Kissing our friend, Angel, who came over to exchange presents. Dressing up Bob in tinsel. At one point, I held out the camera and pointed it at us. I said, "I love you Billy" and he said "I love you Terry." Almost tangible. Just being Billy.

I cried (and still am) like it was January 21st all over again only this time with more intensity. I understand more now. I understand that I will never, ever touch him again. Not on this earth at least. I'm not quite sure I grasped the enormity of that in January.

You might ask why I would put myself through watching the tape. Because I had to, that's why. Because it's Christmas and I wanted to spend it with Billy. And I will take him anyway I can. I stopped the tape at our New Years Eve. I'll save that for when I need to see him again. On New Years Eve.

Current Mood: indescribable
Current Music: Silent Night - Stevie Nicks