The tape is one of the two most prized possessions I have now. I have watched it twice since January21st. I watched it again tonight. There he was. Standing by our tree and telling me how much he loved Mary J. Blige. Kissing our friend, Angel, who came over to exchange presents. Dressing up Bob in tinsel. At one point, I held out the camera and pointed it at us. I said, "I love you Billy" and he said "I love you Terry." Almost tangible. Just being Billy.
I cried (and still am) like it was January 21st all over again only this time with more intensity. I understand more now. I understand that I will never, ever touch him again. Not on this earth at least. I'm not quite sure I grasped the enormity of that in January.
You might ask why I would put myself through watching the tape. Because I had to, that's why. Because it's Christmas and I wanted to spend it with Billy. And I will take him anyway I can. I stopped the tape at our New Years Eve. I'll save that for when I need to see him again. On New Years Eve.