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A daddy and a comic out of control, and I just sit there watching. - Sing With Me If It's Just For Today... — LiveJournal
If I should fall behind, Guyster, wait for me.
A daddy and a comic out of control, and I just sit there watching.
The first thing out of Jamie Spears’s mouth was, “I’m an alcoholic.” He gave a throaty Bubba chuckle to punctuate it before saying, “I’ve got nothin’ to hide.” I kept waiting for him to mention that he was “recovering,” yet that didn’t happen. He came in to pitch a show with his employer, Phil Maloof, the youngest of the dynasty and by all accounts, the Fredo of the bunch--a spoiled brat slumped in his chair with the look of a child who just got his toy taken from him.

I sat there looking at the red-faced hillbilly whose daughter has become a public nuisance, whose grandchildren have all but been abandoned, and here he is talking about how this petulant little shit of a fuck that he works for likes his fried chicken and wouldn’t that make for a great series.

No. It wouldn’t, Jamie, and please pick your daughter up from rehab, buy her a pretty wig, and act like a fucking parent.

That was the worst pitch in the past few weeks. The best one was Joaquin coming in with his producing partner with a breathtaking series that spotlighted humanity’s bravest and most extraordinary people. At the end of the meeting, he hugged me. I stood stock still afraid to hug back, afraid that I’d never let go, and security would need to be called.
* * * *
When I looked out the front bedroom window, I saw Scott outside of the gate flapping his arms in a movement so rapid that they suggested a desire for flight. I ran downstairs to find out what was wrong.

“I can’t find my fucking keys! How could I fucking drive here and not have the fucking car keys?” He had that look of defeat and exasperation I’d seen from him a thousand times before, and I followed him to his car that had the doors already wide open like wings.

I bent down to reach under the seat, over the dash, behind the passenger seat, in the glove compartment, anyplace that could accidentally hide keys. I stood up and shrugged. He started hollering again, his hands waving around in an angry mime. That’s when I saw them.

‘They’re in your hand.”

He looked at the dangling car key as if it were burning his hand, and the one to the house that I’d given him, too, and his shoulders slumped. He protested that it had to have been some valet parker’s fault, but all I saw was Scott with his keys gripped in his hand.

And that’s what it’s like living with Scott.

He left on Thursday after staying with me for three weeks as he worked out a stand-up set from scratch prepping for a headline gig in New York. We didn’t fight, much, and he’ll move to Los Angeles into my guesthouse next month. My current tenant gave his notice at just the right time to have Scott slide in with his cat, Uday, in tow.

My boys are going to have to change their bad attitude about cats. I think one good swipe should do it.
31 comments or Leave a comment
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creactivity From: creactivity Date: March 26th, 2007 06:13 pm (UTC) (Link)
I love Joaquin. And you.
(Deleted comment)
ladycakes From: ladycakes Date: March 26th, 2007 06:18 pm (UTC) (Link)
Holy fuck. Those Spears people will not be happy until they have squeezed the last dime from the rotting corpse of their child. I'm so sick of Hollywood child exploitation...it makes me feel violent.

ps. I'm hoping someday to be in the company of you and Joe again. Y'all make a girl feel like a princess.
brianrdu From: brianrdu Date: March 27th, 2007 12:08 am (UTC) (Link)
Except...she's...not...a child.
quirkstreet From: quirkstreet Date: March 26th, 2007 06:47 pm (UTC) (Link)
Yay! A post!

Joaquin's pitch sounds wonderful.
npdxbear From: npdxbear Date: March 26th, 2007 06:59 pm (UTC) (Link)
I heart you, but I gotta know...

"Who are you?" ;-D
npdxbear From: npdxbear Date: March 26th, 2007 08:10 pm (UTC) (Link)
Oh, and before I forget, are you going to drag his ass to a Tuesday night dinner? We need another Canadian there to defend our nation against you heathen Americans... especially that aairplane guy...
sahara_harp From: sahara_harp Date: March 26th, 2007 07:31 pm (UTC) (Link)
I enjoyed this post!
calamityjake From: calamityjake Date: March 26th, 2007 07:43 pm (UTC) (Link)
Can you believe how well Howie's show is doing? It's out of control. I wonder if he's mentally prepared himself for the inevitable ratings plummet (either whenever NBC finally oversaturates the schedule with DoND "events" or simply once America gets tired of it all). That would be a weird feeling, knowing that sooner or later the ride is likely to come to a sudden halt. But I guess that's true for just about everything anyway.
urbear From: urbear Date: March 26th, 2007 11:13 pm (UTC) (Link)
Good for him, while it lasts. He's worked hard for it. I remember the days when he was beating down the doors at Montreal comedy clubs trying to get noticed.
twillhead From: twillhead Date: March 26th, 2007 09:00 pm (UTC) (Link)
Holy shit... the religious right thinks Gays would make lousy parents, but someone like Jamie Spears can procreate until his testes falls off and that's just fine?! I think you needed and deserved that hug from Joaquin! And please, give Scott a big kiss from me... ;-)
e_ticket From: e_ticket Date: March 26th, 2007 11:07 pm (UTC) (Link)

By the way, I'm really enjoying "Planet Earth".
guysterrules From: guysterrules Date: March 27th, 2007 05:11 pm (UTC) (Link)
Great visuals, right? But the script is pretty lame.
brianrdu From: brianrdu Date: March 27th, 2007 12:09 am (UTC) (Link)
I hope that Joaquin series gets made...more content like that deserves to be aired.
guysterrules From: guysterrules Date: March 27th, 2007 05:12 pm (UTC) (Link)
I hope it does, too. It was a really moving pitch.
ubermunkey From: ubermunkey Date: March 27th, 2007 02:20 am (UTC) (Link)
That is some crazy ass shit baby!

You make me almost like my life, almost. ;-)

love ya
littlezen From: littlezen Date: March 27th, 2007 04:56 am (UTC) (Link)


You have Joaquin cooties! Yum.

As for the other one... I have no words. Well, maybe four words: special corner in hell. There has to be.
fidgetcub From: fidgetcub Date: March 27th, 2007 06:02 am (UTC) (Link)

You act like not finding...

item you are holding is a weird thing? I know I've done it! We gonna see you tommorrow?
guysterrules From: guysterrules Date: March 27th, 2007 05:13 pm (UTC) (Link)

Re: You act like not finding...

Oh. It's a Canadian thing. Now I get it.

I'm gonna try my best, but my boss is in town.
gotu From: gotu Date: March 27th, 2007 03:07 pm (UTC) (Link)
As we were packing Maggie's swim bag, Doug, who isn't nearly as manic as Scott (I think), was frantically trying to find the undies that we bring for after swim class. Crazy man, I said, they're in your hand. [Insert joke here about a father holding onto his daughter's underwear.]
poodler From: poodler Date: March 27th, 2007 05:06 pm (UTC) (Link)


I imagine lots of swipes. At least ONE of your boys seems kinda fearless.

By the way, I had lunch recently with someone (who shall remain nameless) who was rather envious as to my having lunch with you. He's been been reading your posts far longer than I. I learned alot about your star studded life.

Hows the house coming?
guysterrules From: guysterrules Date: March 27th, 2007 05:15 pm (UTC) (Link)

Re: Swipes

Name names, dammit!

The house is exactly as you saw it. The couch, however, has more of a dent and the numbers on my TiVo control have worn off even more.
perfectlylegal From: perfectlylegal Date: March 27th, 2007 05:12 pm (UTC) (Link)
I love when you make posts like these. I couldn't have let go of Joaquin either.
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