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Sing With Me If It's Just For Today...
If I should fall behind, Guyster, wait for me.
Five years
I’m doing better. Really. I function. I work. I’ve branched out socially. I write.

It’s just that I don’t believe it really happened. Literally, sometimes.

’02 is just a blank. I really don’t know what I did. Or how. Medication. Therapy. Convulsive crying.

The second year was worse, though. Sure, I got a dream job, moved to DC, met an amazingly nurturing and fun friend in Joe. That helped. Still does, more than I let him know.

Since then I moved back to LA, lost our home and every visual cue that it held, bought a crazy old house that couldn’t be more different that our beloved beach cottage, got a couple of dogs.

A group of amazingly funny and talented guys welcomed me into their tight circle. I couldn’t have asked for a better tonic.

So, yeah, I’m doing a lot better. Sure, I still can’t kiss another man without a sense of dread and nausea. Sex has been painted into a corner so tiny that I need toe shoes. But, hey, I’m here. Right?

I continue to panic every night before sleeping, which I quell with a cocktail of Kush and Klonopin. I write and talk to Billy each night, as well, but that’s okay, isn’t it?

I haven’t done anything with the foundation. For my past birthday, Joe lovingly built a template for the website, and I haven’t had the strength or focus or something to fill it in. It’s there, however, and I will. I promise.

It’s what Billy's lost that knots me up the most, though. Five years where he would’ve grown and settled down and succeeded. He would’ve loved the new house, the dogs, and hopefully, he still would’ve loved me. I know he would have, and that just about kills me every single fucking day.

I figure in another five years, I’ll be doing twice as good.

Five years, stuck on my eyes
Five years, what a surprise
Five years, my brain hurts a lot
Five years, that's all I've got.
2 comments or Leave a comment
From: jeffbriggs Date: January 15th, 2007 08:13 pm (UTC) (Link)
I think it sounds like you have made a lot of BIG steps and from what I gather of you you will continue to grow.

It's also okay to still remember, its really good. But also take all those memories and apply them to now and it will enhance the present and the future too.
guysterrules From: guysterrules Date: January 15th, 2007 08:21 pm (UTC) (Link)
Oops. I didn't mean to post that, yet. It's not finished, but I really really appreciate your kind words.

You got a jump start on it, so you can breeze right past it in a few days when it shows up again on your Friends list.

Have a great day, Jeff!
2 comments or Leave a comment