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New Years Eve '02 revisited - Sing With Me If It's Just For Today... — LiveJournal
If I should fall behind, Guyster, wait for me.
New Years Eve '02 revisited
We spent the entire night together with a collective vocabulary of less than fifty words. We smoked pot and dressed our dog Bob in party garb. My new camera whirred for some of the night capturing the countdown moment.

I look at this tape and see me laughing without hesitation or consequence. Billy is in constant motion, as usual. A simple kiss and some party poppers started ’02 for us.

Billy said quietly, “This is the year…” I interrupted him, loud and obnoxious. When I’m finished braying, he completes his thought with a barely audible, “…things will come together…on my own.”

Twenty-one nights later, he would be on his own, all alone. And I stopped laughing a carefree laugh.

I want to crawl back into this video and stay there. More than anything in the world, I just want to stay there.

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14 comments or Leave a comment
journeyto From: journeyto Date: January 1st, 2007 06:08 pm (UTC) (Link)
You have suffered such tremendous loss in the most loving of spaces. I am sitting here with tears rolling down my face, thinking of what you've been through with Billy and then Bob. I wish I could take some of it away.
fabulist From: fabulist Date: January 1st, 2007 06:22 pm (UTC) (Link)
The carefree laugh's still there. It doesn't come nearly so often, and sometimes it's just an accidental reminder of what you wish wasn't there and what you wish was, but it's there.

I've seen the rest of the video enough times now to see how much of you back then is still here now, even when it doesn't seem that way. You've still got the soul he nurtured, and the kindness and compassion that he found in you, Terry, and you're still loud and fussy and a total pain in the ass, too, thank god.

Some things don't change, even after the worst comes to pass.
brianrdu From: brianrdu Date: January 1st, 2007 06:27 pm (UTC) (Link)
Happy New Year. I hope, in Billy's words rearranged to fit your scenario, that this year things will come together for you, on your own. I mean that. I really hope that you can lasso the good memories and build on them. I know if I had a partner, and something happened to me, I would want them to continue living and loving. From reading your writings about him, I believe that Billy would want the exact same thing for you.
creactivity From: creactivity Date: January 1st, 2007 06:47 pm (UTC) (Link)
I cried a lot watching this and reading your words because I'm always struck first by the poignant loss. Then I was struck with the beauty between the two of you (and Bob) and the happiness you found together. You, more than anyone, knows you are blessed to have found each other and you are blessed to have this to remember with. You clearly loved completely, Terry.

And you weren't loud and obnoxious. You were supportive and encouraging.
quirkstreet From: quirkstreet Date: January 1st, 2007 06:50 pm (UTC) (Link)
You're a good man, Terry. Which says a great deal about what a good man Billy was and still is.
ruralrob From: ruralrob Date: January 1st, 2007 08:37 pm (UTC) (Link)
Made my day seeing this, td.
dithering From: dithering Date: January 1st, 2007 09:29 pm (UTC) (Link)
Aww, Terry...this made me cry. You can really see the love between the two of you in this video. *hugs*
spleenless From: spleenless Date: January 1st, 2007 11:17 pm (UTC) (Link)
There are points in time I sometimes think I would like to crawl back into as well, particularly to change and redo things I wish were different. My superpowers don't extend that far, however, and more pertinantly, I can't be who I am without the mosaic of the past - good and bad. You're a good person. Billy and Billy's loss are part of who you are and stay with you. Now it's 2007 and we'll have to see where love and loss will take us. Happy New Year, big smooches.

From: kelly_green Date: January 2nd, 2007 04:52 am (UTC) (Link)
i loved seeing and hearing billy after reading so much about him. thank you for sharing this, terry. you two have something very beautiful.
quuf From: quuf Date: January 2nd, 2007 06:23 am (UTC) (Link)
He's just as I'd imagined him, Terry. No credit to my imagination, but to your words.
1271111271 From: 1271111271 Date: January 2nd, 2007 09:53 am (UTC) (Link)
What a great video to have. Reading all of your stories about Billy, I have to agree with the above poster, that is exactly how I imagined him. I hope you're doing well and I'm sending good thoughts your way.
privatesector From: privatesector Date: January 2nd, 2007 11:32 pm (UTC) (Link)
I've never seen that look on your face over the times I've seen you. I hope you will give yourself permission to experience the pleasure of that exhuberance yet another time.

Happy New Year, Terry.


twillhead From: twillhead Date: January 3rd, 2007 12:28 am (UTC) (Link)
Aww Terry... I know, my Buddy, I do know. I get a glimpse at Billy in action and understand even more how profound is your loss. He was clearly a real live wire and an absolute sweetheart! Love you...
apartmentheart From: apartmentheart Date: January 3rd, 2007 03:32 am (UTC) (Link)
Absolutely beautiful. Thank you for posting the video.

When I figure out how to trap myself back inside the most perfect moment or memory that I can recapture, you will be the first person I tell.
14 comments or Leave a comment