January 20th, 2004


You can't always get what you want

I struggle to remember our last week together, every detail of it. I come up blank. I remember our last day and night, and I've detailed that last year on Live Journal. It was a Sunday. I remember the Saturday night before as well. I asked Billy what he wanted to do, we had no plans, and he said he wanted to just stay home. That was fine by me, and we did just that. The specifics are fuzzy although I remember all three of us trying to fit on the couch upstairs and watch TV. We figured it out, finally, and laid there with our heads on opposite sides of the couch and Bob entwined between our legs

I remember our last fight, one that happened sometime mid-week. It was dumb and quick, really, but one I regret now. I had taken my car in for service and Billy was supposed to pick me up at the dealership. He was late; so late, in fact, I started to call a cab when our neighbor’s car rounded the corner with Billy in the passenger seat, waving his arms at me like a maniac. That was a game we used to play. "Hey, over here!" we'd scream to each other while in plain sight.

I hopped in and he explained he had run out of gas in his car. I got angry because it was about the third time it happened in the past few months. I chided him for being irresponsible, but I didn't take into account that his bank balance was running on empty as well. I remember saying, “God, Bill, can’t I ever count on you for anything?” I said it right in front of our neighbor, who was driving.

I wish I could recount every single detail, every second, so I could somehow write it and make it permanent. I wish there were big events, memorable conversations, or weighty moments. There weren’t. It was just Billy and me, living our lives. I do remember waking up one morning that last week and saying, "Wow. That was good cuddling last night!" It had been cold that week, and we ended up in a nocturnal dance that was warm and satisfying.

There was one look, though, I will never forget. I wrote of it on this day last year on Live Journal. It was a fleeting second, a quick glance over my shoulder, but for whatever reason, I grabbed it. I think if things hadn’t exploded the way they did, I would still remember it, no matter what.

At one point, I looked back as he was taking pictures. I remember the look of determination on his face. I remember, in that second, falling in love with him all over again…In that second, I could see how much he was enjoying himself. I could see he believed he had his own future in control. I could see why I loved him so much.

Maybe that’s all I need, that moment. The flush of love and respect I felt, the earnestness that consumed his expression, and his sweet apple cheeks as he caught me staring at him and said, “What?” Maybe that’s all I need.