April 26th, 2003

ledbetter tat

Taking Stock

Birthdays have always been uncomfortable for me in the same way as New Years Eve. They are annual events that beg for introspection but more often the holidays are absent any epiphany. Since Billy left, I wish the previous paradigm could continue. Now my birthday is a marker of a different color.

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For the last fifteen months, I have lived a reluctant life. It is not the one I wanted. It isn't even close. Have I learned something in the process? Have a gained because of it? Yes. But the scale is so incredibly unbalanced and I would happily trade in all of this new information for just a moment of what I once had. Just one single minute with him.

I have renewed passion in writing thanks to some encouraging words. I have a gestating spirituality. I have learned to cope no matter what. I have laughed. I have become expert at crying while driving. I have made a few new friends. I have nurtured those I love more than ever. I have learned to take nothing for granted. I have learned to understand there is no such thing as safety.

It is with reluctance I wake every day but it is also my job to make the day the best it can be.
  • Current Music
    in my head: Falling - Julee Cruise