GuysterRules (guysterrules) wrote,

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Thanksgiving and 10th Anniversary

Bob and I drove up to 29 Palms and Joshua Tree for the "holiday." We stayed at the Motel 6 (best thing in town). I wanted to evacuate Los Angeles and the trappings of this holiday as much as possible and I figured the high desert was as good a place as any. Plus it was someplace Billy and I had always planned on going. He even saved up for a tent for our trip. The tent sits in the garage, unused. We were supposed to be in Europe (Spain and Morocco). That was our plan for our 10th anniversary (the day after Thanksgiving). Billy had never been to Europe and I always wanted to go to Morocco.

I drove up Thursday morning, checked in and started to cry. I struggled with what I had to be thankful for this year. The tally is pretty slim. I had a cold, I was laid off three weeks ago, I was in a car accident two weeks ago (I wasn't hurt - thank you), the water heater busted the day before I left leaving me with no hot water and a huge problem to fix when I got home. Add all that together and it's a BFD. I know. But this year brought (or took) more than a cold or career woes.

I wrote a lot when I was up in Joshua Tree. I wrote a lot of letters to Billy and some corny poetry. So on Thanksgiving, here is some of what I wrote:

"Dear Guyster,

I'm having a real hard time being thankful for much. I'm thankful for Bob, I'm thankful for wonderful friends, I'm thankful I still have our home. I look back at the last ten months and I don't know how I made it. I'm not even certain I'm thankful that I did. But I also look back on the last ten years and for that, I am truly thankful. I am thankful you were in my life and I am thankful you helped me out so much and I am thankful you took such good care of me. You gave my life form and substance. You gave me reason and purpose. I am thankful you gave your heart and love to me and I am thankful I still feel surrounded by your love. I am so very thankful for the life we led. You made me a better person, Billy."

Then on Friday, I woke up and went to get a tattoo. I got the same tattoo Billy had - the name "Vinyldog" with a heart underneath it on my right arm. I came back to the motel, got Bob and we went up to the national park of Joshua Tree. The park was beautiful. It was raining and I played a lot of Springsteen and I did a lot of crying. Came back to the motel, wrote some more, cried some more then watched TV. We came back today and bought a new water heater that will be installed on Monday.

"I went out to the desert
Looking for a miracle
Redemption, salvation
Some kind of cure.
The rain pours down
On the high desert plain
My heart down on the ground
Getting soaked and stained
The sting of the tattoo
Reminds me I'm alive
But being without you
Well, I wonder if I'll survive
Way out here in the desert
Praying for a miracle
Communication, acceptance
Any kind of cure will do."

FUCK! I don't know what any of this means. I don't know if any of this shit is worth it. I don't fucking understand. I just want to kiss my baby again.

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