GuysterRules (guysterrules) wrote,
GuysterRules
guysterrules

Reality rights and wrongs

“Oh, yeah. In Toosahhn, we have tarantulas as big as rats.” Sue Hawk (Survivor: Borneo, Survivor: All-Stars, Battle of the Network Reality Stars) belted out this news while I was three inches from her face. Jonathan Torrens (“Gerald” with a hard “G” from Joe Schmoe 2) was standing next to me, stifling a giggle. “Yeah, you shoulda seen my mother-in-law running down the hallway naked when she found one in her bed.” She lightly punched my chest for emphasis.

“Hawk, you slut!” Nicki McKibbon (American Idol, Battle of the Network Reality Stars) screamed across the loud club where the Fox Reality Channel launch party was just beginning. She ran over, spilled her drink on the floor, left it there, and lit a cigarette. I was balancing a plate of sushi with my tin tray of soy sauce carefully balanced. She was drunk. The party had started twenty minutes ago.

“Oh, God, I hope Janice Dickenson shows up,” Mickey, my date and the reason I was there, whispered in my ear. Mickey and I had an insane encounter (is there any other kind?) with Janice a few years ago when we were working together on a show for GSN. I squeezed Mickey’s arm hard enough to bruise her from my excitement.

Sue and Nicki were jabbing while Jonathan and I talked trash on the endless roster of reality celebrities. He implored me to start watching Sweet 16.

“Oh, look. There’s Charla.” I pointed down toward the three-foot woman who once carried a side of beef on her back (The Amazing Race 5).

“She’s got a resume as long as her arm,” Jonathan smirked.

I giggled as The Miz (Real World 10, The Inferno II, Battle of the Network Reality Stars) swept by us. Johnny Fairplay (Survivor: Pearl Islands, Kill Reality) was on his tail. I watched Johnny slide up to Trishelle (Real World: Las Vegas, Kill Reality, Battle of Network Reality Stars), and lick her face. I finished my last piece of spicy tuna roll.


Number of times I was hugged by Rupert Boneham (Survivor: Pearl Islands, Survivor: All-Stars) – 2

The amount of dismissive hand waves I witnessed from Janice Dickenson (America’s Next Top Model, The Surreal Life) to Omarosa (The Apprentice 1, Battle of the Network Stars, The Surreal life) – 4

How many drinks I saw Brittany (America’s Next Top Model 4) drink – 3

Number of inches taller Brittany was than Burton (Survivor: Pearl Islands), who he was hitting on – 2

How good Burton looked in person on a 1-10 scale – 8

The number of times reality stars told me that they’d be perfect for our networks – 11

The number of reality stars that I met that would actually be appropriate for our networks - 2

The number of homosexual reality stars that showed up – 3 (Marcellas from Big Brother 4, and Lin and Alex from The Amazing Race 5)

Business cards I handed out to reality stars – 18

On a scale of 1-10, how badly I wanted to approach Danny Bonaduce and tell him about his therapist, Garry, but didn’t – 10

The number of Fox Reality top executives Mickey introduced me to, each one commenting about how I work at the highbrow place - 3

The number of Fox Reality top executives I told that I'd rather work at their lowbrow place - 3

How many sneers I saw from Nick (The Apprentice 2) – 2

For me, this was better than the Oscars.
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