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Changes - Sing With Me If It's Just For Today... — LiveJournal
If I should fall behind, Guyster, wait for me.
In a little less than three weeks, all of my one-bedroom apartment’s worth of memories I’d brought with me to DC will be nestled in a dark corner of a large moving truck, and before I crawl into my car for the cross country trip back home to LA, I’ll hug Joe hard while assuring him that I’ll stay in touch, and I will mean it. I’ve always faced change kicking and screaming, my chewed fingernails gripping at what I’m leaving behind. In a smidge less than two years, I’ve moved twice, each one covered in the blues of loss and uncertainty. This third move, although it’s to go home, will be no different. You’d think it would get easier for me.

In late August of ’03 when I left Venice to move to DC for my job, I didn’t know how to leave our home. It was all I had known for eight years, the longest I’d ever lived in one spot, and the most prominent bearing was the Billy factor. I boarded up the back house, leaving it intact with every one of Billy’s fingerprints in place and rented out the front house; first to a thirtysomething couple who systematically destroyed it, then to a friend who helped repair it. There’s nothing left of Billy and I in that house other than its walls, the familiarity of the path from the bedroom to the toilet, and the vintage stove that we bought in ’95 on which I cooked us a thousand meals.

With Bob in the back of my Explorer on his soft blue bed, we drove across the country, sharing an adventure just as Billy and I had in ’94. Bob couldn’t keep the dialogue going like Billy had, but he did his best to look interested while I talked to him, frequently stopping to take walks on the grass patches of desolate gas stations along Route 40. Bob and I settled into our downtown DC apartment; he soon became accustomed to riding in an elevator and even winter temperatures, but I lost Bob one Friday night late last June when I least expected it. I had the ridiculous notion that he would live to be fourteen, and we’d ride back home where he’d once again chase cookies in his backyard, but I guess it was time for him to go see his daddy.

After coming home for a few months to an apartment that was still embedded with Bob’s short black course hair, each night opening the door and wistfully announcing, “I’m home, Beez,” when I knew there’d be no cocked head or excitement for a walk, I moved out of the city closer to my office in Silver Spring, Maryland. There was no Bob hair to pick up and remember, just a mahogany box that held his ashes. It was in this apartment that I brought the law into my life, and I lost my dad.

During the second weekend I moved to DC, the 2003 Labor Day weekend to be precise, I met Joe, and he’s made my displacement fun, complicated, and safe. Joe gave me a foundation, one that I never thought possible again. In a storm of repetitive resistance, he loved me, and I love him back.

After Bob passed away in my arms with a frightened and painful grimace frozen on his face, Joe was there to carry his limp body to the vet emergency room in a futile attempt to revive him. When I called Joe from my dad’s ICU room, he hopped on the next flight to be by my side, rubbing my shoulders as the doctor’s vainly attempted to bring my dad back.

I’m going to hate leaving the on-site support and friends I’ve nurtured over the past two years at work, and even though Gretchen and Jamie and Jim and the hundred others will continue to be central in my job, contact will be relegated to calls, IMs, and emails. I’ll be in a satellite office, not headquarters, and I’ll need to create a presence as key as the one that thrived in Silver Spring while I’m creating a brand new department for the network. It won’t be easy, and the thought of failure brings violent vertigo.

I’m most looking forward to the meditation of the open road, though. Although I won’t have Bob to keep me company, I’ll stop in southern Illinois to see the Ledbetters for a day or two, then it’s down to the desert with the biggest sky in the world overhead and the white lines of the road speeding under my wheels.

Joe and I both fear June 22nd after the movers have packed up all of my things into their truck, and we’ll stand by my Explorer, holding each other, not wanting to let go, but this upcoming moment was built into our relationship from the moment it started. That fact won’t make it any easier. We’ll cry and I will hug him as hard as I can, saying things that attempt to soothe the burn of a goodbye, and I will mean it.


19 comments or Leave a comment
From: inkprincess Date: July 3rd, 2005 05:27 pm (UTC) (Link)

good luck with the move. I know how hard it is to say goodbye.
creactivity From: creactivity Date: July 3rd, 2005 05:39 pm (UTC) (Link)
I don't know how you do it. Being a naturally stagnant person, I couldn't move as often as you have, especially under the circumstances that you have. I think leaving friends behind would be the hardest part.

I am looking forward to meeting you at some point, nonetheless.
katryxx From: katryxx Date: July 4th, 2005 02:53 am (UTC) (Link)
ridiculicious From: ridiculicious Date: July 3rd, 2005 06:15 pm (UTC) (Link)
*sigh* You have undergone so much. And your writing is so lovely.
among_the_stars From: among_the_stars Date: July 3rd, 2005 06:32 pm (UTC) (Link)
i've never been good at letting go of people or places. it never gets easier for me either.

good luck with the move, t. enjoy your trip across the country (i've always wanted to do that)! *hugs*
From: tequilaprophet Date: July 3rd, 2005 07:04 pm (UTC) (Link)
The only constant is change...
katryxx From: katryxx Date: July 4th, 2005 02:56 am (UTC) (Link)
I second this. It's all just part of the path. Enjoy your trip, as well as you can.
ubermunkey From: ubermunkey Date: July 3rd, 2005 07:10 pm (UTC) (Link)
not much to say other then that I am here
I read
I watch
I wish you well

kishenehn From: kishenehn Date: July 3rd, 2005 08:25 pm (UTC) (Link)
So many of your entries bring me very nearly to tears ...

All the best to you, my friend. I hope we can meet someday.

ruralrob From: ruralrob Date: July 3rd, 2005 10:48 pm (UTC) (Link)
Oh my. But I wish you good luck in the next chapetr of your life with every bone in my body!
backawayslowly From: backawayslowly Date: July 3rd, 2005 11:03 pm (UTC) (Link)
This entry made me tear up a little...but the totally selfish side of me (the big side!) looks forward to having you back on my coast...I hope to catch up with you in LA next time I'm down there.
clintswan From: clintswan Date: July 4th, 2005 01:09 am (UTC) (Link)
onward and upward!
cricketshay From: cricketshay Date: July 4th, 2005 01:16 am (UTC) (Link)
Hey T. if you happen to pass through the great state of Arkansas on your way back to L.A. you should stop by and say hello. It would be great to give you a big hug in person. =)

Change can be a good thing. Yeah, I say that. Yet, when it's my turn to experience upheaval, I cling to the past and familiar. I know you will be missed. (I hope you continue with your LJ. I would miss you if you stopped posting) *hugs*
fairy From: fairy Date: July 4th, 2005 01:43 am (UTC) (Link)
Along with it being physically exhausting, moving is one of the most mentally exhausting things to have to go through too. This one sounds particularly difficult.

I hope it is a safe journey for you.
From: ex_hotlavamo352 Date: July 4th, 2005 04:54 am (UTC) (Link)
No, but this is a godsend! I know tons of people in MD and DC. But now I have a couch in LA. Obviously the universe is telling us something.
tedwords From: tedwords Date: July 4th, 2005 02:52 pm (UTC) (Link)
Good luck with the move, my friend. Somehow, I'm sure that you'll manage to make your goodbye quite memorable--for both of you.
poohbearjim From: poohbearjim Date: July 4th, 2005 04:33 pm (UTC) (Link)
Good luck with the move. We'll be moving Ray to LA sometime next month as well, having found him an apartment in Glendale this past weekend. I do hope to meet you on one of my trips down there.
calamityjake From: calamityjake Date: July 5th, 2005 01:18 pm (UTC) (Link)
Man, you're escaping the humidity and mosquitos and (eventually) winter. DC is okay, but you belong on the west coast, no?
calamityjake From: calamityjake Date: July 5th, 2005 01:19 pm (UTC) (Link)
(which is not to say it should be easy--I'm almost certainly on my way out of town, too, and it is pretty sad/tough to think about)
19 comments or Leave a comment