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Thank you. - Sing With Me If It's Just For Today...
If I should fall behind, Guyster, wait for me.
guysterrules
guysterrules
Thank you.
Last night while I was taking a leak, I stared into the mirror above the toilet and thought that I should’ve put what I’d written into better context. Well, first I thought I should’ve posted it without allowing comments (after all, I regrettably berated a friend for mourning his grandmother), but they started to roll in, thoughtful and kind. I didn’t write it so much for feedback, though, as I did to just let it bleed out of my system.

As I said, I was taking a leak, staring in the mirror, my face a mess, and I tried to think of a good first sentence, which to me, is the spark plug for anything I write. Every one I conceived sounded silly in my head, and then I started to think of what fun it would be to come up with the worst opening line for this entry.

Some candidates were:

Just as the ocean crashes to the land, so do my emotions.

Or

Last night, I put my guilt finger down my throat.

Or

”If only…” or “I should have…” or “Why didn’t I?” are all the razor blades that slit my wrists.

The truth is grief is repetitive. For the first two years, those thoughts of guilt were as constant as blinking. After moving to DC, I could lose myself in work, pushing the punishing pain into a nighttime event. Meeting Joe helped more than I can articulate. The last year has been bearable, just.

The cycle is broader now, the paralysis of sadness spaced further apart. When the bucket of bile builds up, though, I need someplace to spill. Unfortunately for you, it’s here. Sometimes it’s triggered by an unintended event, like 30 Days, or it can be the time of year (the month before January 21st has proved to be nightmarish), or many times, a simple memory. I’ve repeatedly written variations of last night’s post, and it’s likely you’ll see it again.

I made many of you furrow and gnash and struggle, all in the genuine hope of helping. You strengthen my faith, the faith I have that people are inherently kind and want to comfort someone in trouble. You bolster my belief that this experience we’re having here on a small random spinning rock is not the sum total of our lives.

I certainly don’t have all of the answers, sometimes barely a clue, but I know I’ll be back in my baby’s arms, and we’ll walk in the sun. With love and faith, we can overcome anything.

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Comments
ubermunkey From: ubermunkey Date: June 22nd, 2005 01:47 am (UTC) (Link)
Ah thank you.
Love and Faith make it all worth while.

and really I like number two the best
last night I put my guilt finger down my throat... lol.

be well T.
Love
Connor
From: tequilaprophet Date: June 22nd, 2005 02:06 am (UTC) (Link)
I'm glad to see you feeling better...
quuf From: quuf Date: June 22nd, 2005 02:19 am (UTC) (Link)
Last night, I put my guilt finger down my throat, and vomited up ocean waves of emotion that crashed to the land like razor blades on wrists.

*ducks*
guysterrules From: guysterrules Date: June 22nd, 2005 02:21 am (UTC) (Link)
See? You're getting the hang of it.
quuf From: quuf Date: June 22nd, 2005 02:26 am (UTC) (Link)
Hell, it's fun!

Glad you're doing better today, friend.
brianrdu From: brianrdu Date: June 22nd, 2005 02:30 am (UTC) (Link)
We're fine (me & you). I wanted to rebut, but I just decided to put a cork in it.

I have to remember that I think you write about Billy's death to get it all out, and maybe not because you want people to add their two cents. I read what you write and it makes me angry, because I can see the funny, passionate, whip-smart man (that'd be you) in there, in your other posts, who seems to forget that life is for the living, and I just feel that Billy, if he could have forseen what was going to go down, would have wanted to you to both embrace your time with him, and to not stop living, yourself. It sounds like you are making progress, which is something I have wished for ever since I found you here.
mengus From: mengus Date: June 22nd, 2005 02:44 am (UTC) (Link)
We all know you're secretly attention whoring. Just kidding. No apologies, Terry. Maybe this is a bigger part of you than the funny, witty guy. It matters little, my crush on you remains intact.
thafuzz From: thafuzz Date: June 22nd, 2005 03:22 am (UTC) (Link)
...I need someplace to spill. Unfortunately for you, it’s here.

As long as it's not on my white living room carpet I just had steam cleaned!

*hugs*
brianrdu From: brianrdu Date: June 22nd, 2005 04:00 am (UTC) (Link)
You have WHITE carpet? Lorrrrrrd, woman!
thafuzz From: thafuzz Date: June 25th, 2005 05:45 am (UTC) (Link)
That's right, you can't handle my sophisticated STYLE!
hapgood From: hapgood Date: June 22nd, 2005 03:28 am (UTC) (Link)
I'm always here to hold your hair while you puke, metaphorically speaking.

Like my uncouth next door neighbor from childhood would say, better out than in. Healing can't occur through infection.
shawnsyms From: shawnsyms Date: June 22nd, 2005 03:36 am (UTC) (Link)
Thanks Terry, for reminding me of the important of not putting off dealing with my own health issues any more.

I've been experiencing some heart/blood pressure problems for the past while, and I've recently gotten a bit scared about it.

I'm going to see my doctor tomorrow at 3:20.
creactivity From: creactivity Date: June 22nd, 2005 03:37 am (UTC) (Link)
Dude. Don't even feel bad about that. DON'T. EVEN.

But I'm not going to refrain from saying things in response to you feeling like that (this). It'll be our silent little agreement. Comments on? I will comment.
From: kelly_green Date: June 22nd, 2005 07:22 am (UTC) (Link)
i once took a psych class called 'death and dying in the global tradition' or something like that. it was fascinating. and one glaringly obvious fact that emerged was that we are terribly afraid of death and grief. when somebody passes away, we aren't allowed to talk about them after the confined grieving period. people become uncomfortable if you speak about your grief. they look away if you cry. you're supposed to "move on."

that seems to reflect itself in LJ too. "self-pitying" or depressing posts are responded to with desperate attempts to cheer a person up. i think we forget that sadness is as much a part of life as happiness, and it makes no sense to suppress those emotions. i enjoy the fact that you write exactly what you feel - that's pretty rare in this day and age.
guysterrules From: guysterrules Date: June 22nd, 2005 10:50 pm (UTC) (Link)
Even my best friends squirm when I start talking about Billy in a sad way. It leaves little outlet for me other than writing.

You're very insightful about the prescribed grieving period, one that seems to have a clock on it although I sure as hell know it's not my clock.

Thank you for your really interesting comment.
privatesector From: privatesector Date: June 22nd, 2005 12:24 pm (UTC) (Link)
There are no rule books for the emotional aspects of mourning; no Emily Post, no guideposts, just the personal experience. You're doing what can do with what you have. That's all you need to know.

Love.
stutts From: stutts Date: June 22nd, 2005 02:55 pm (UTC) (Link)

Growing up

I'll admit it--when I was younger I was a total homophobe (I grew up in a hick farm town, sue me). But after high school I became more open-minded, and after nine years of living in Seattle--during which time I had numerous gay friends and acquaintances, volunteered for LLAA's gay bingo, and religiously read The Stranger--homosexuality no longer seemed repulsive to me, or even really unusual.

For all that, though, I see now that I've always had really stereotypical ideas about homosexual men: to wit, the young ones are naive, confused, and vulnerable; the adult ones are catty, vain, shallow, and materialistic; or (in the cases of the ones I've gotten along the best with) wise, sexless, and gently sarcastic; the older ones are jaded and manipulative.

And I see now that there's something that I've never encountered, something I had never even conceived of: that a man could have full-blown, cosmic, indestructible romantic feelings for another man. As you've probably noticed, I'm not usually the sentimental type, but ... well, you know.

It also makes me wonder about how I've treated my own Guyster, how I've built a wall around her so completely that to me it's as if she's dead ... only she's not, and while treating her that way might be wise, it also might be tremendously, utterly foolish.
cricketshay From: cricketshay Date: June 23rd, 2005 05:49 am (UTC) (Link)
With love and faith, we can overcome anything.

I believe this also. Beautiful post and *hugs* You are one of the great ones.
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