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Another angel joins the ranks, and she will be loud. - Sing With Me If It's Just For Today... — LiveJournal
If I should fall behind, Guyster, wait for me.
Another angel joins the ranks, and she will be loud.
Louise Zanar gave rat-a-tat-tat opinions honed by years of being an attorney, and while I didn’t always appreciate what she had to say, I admired the confidence in which she stated her case. I met her in my last writer’s workshop, and at once, I recognized her as the alpha lesbian in the group. Her first essay that she shared with the class told of her sojourn to San Francisco with her longtime lover to get married, when getting married in San Francisco seemed to be the beginning of a whole new world of acceptance. The essay read like a legal brief and a few weeks later, she proudly told the class she had reworked it and it was, in fact, being published in a law journal.

On her way to the first class of the winter session of the workshop, the same one we had just completed in the fall, Louise was hit by a train and killed.

It happened on Saturday, but our teacher, Bill, emailed our group yesterday when he found out. In an ugly, selfish flash, my first thought was See? See?.

When I handed in my second piece to the workshop, impossibly trying to tell the story of Billy in ten pages or less, Louise’s feedback was harsh. She termed my essay sentimental and maudlin. I was stung more by her comments than any others simply because I thought she understood the value of a partner, and I’d hoped she would be able to sympathize. This was a class, however, and she critiqued it for its writing, not its personal meaning to me.

That thought was blown out with a flush of sadness for Liz, her lover. I didn’t know Liz, not even through Louise’s writing, really, but I knew what it must have been like to get that phone call; a call that will forever replay in her mind. I wanted to hug and rock Liz back and forth in my arms, give her phone numbers for support, lend her books that proved a comfort to me, but most of all, what I wanted to do for her was listen.

I’ll wait before I reach out to her. Hopefully, her family and their friends, and Louise’s family are surrounding her. Her doctor will no doubt prescribe a sedative. It’s when the family and friends are gone, and they most definitely will be out of their own exhaustion and frustration, and their new house they had just moved into is empty and still that Liz will need someone the most to just listen.
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quuf From: quuf Date: February 9th, 2005 06:45 pm (UTC) (Link)
What an ugly way to die.

I hope you don't kick yourself overmuch for that 'ugly, selfish flash.' Initial reactions like yours are 'premoral,' and no indictment of your conscience, which (in my opinion) is Carlsbad Cavern big.
lapalomita From: lapalomita Date: February 9th, 2005 07:21 pm (UTC) (Link)
It's such a beautiful thing to know someone who is so self-aware. Sometimes I think self-awareness of oneself is the best gift you can give someone. You didn't allow that inward "ugly flash" to develop into an outward "I told you so". You contained that initial temptation to wag your finger & instead felt nothing but compassion for this woman. She would be lucky to have your shoulder to cry on. I'm sure you'd be a tremendous source of comfort for her. I feel very badly for her.
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