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To think he fathered a lesbian's baby... - Sing With Me If It's Just For Today...
If I should fall behind, Guyster, wait for me.
guysterrules
guysterrules
To think he fathered a lesbian's baby...
It was late in the day and I was punch drunk from battle with lawyers, agents, and internal corporate forces. Gretchen and Margo wandered in, ready from what’s been coined “Terry Time,” a pause in the storm that typically occurs around four in the afternoon. It’s a time to unwind, catch our breath, eat some chocolate, fortify for the remainder of the workday.

“Did you see Greg picking at that nasty scab on his arm?” Gretchen asked. She was breathlessly repulsed, her face all bad-smell expression. I hadn’t seen Greg all day but I knew he had taken a spill on his bike a few weeks ago, a crimson bumpy spot forming on his elbow.

“You want to talk about gross?” I asked.

“No! Ewww,” Margo and Gretchen sang back in perfect harmony. Tara walked in wondering what was going on.

“Well since you mentioned it,” I began, “the grossest story I ever heard…”

They leaned in. “No, don’t!” Gretchen blurted. Three smiles were staring at me.

“When I was on one of the tours with Howie Mandel, we used a rock and roll bus instead of flying because he started to be afraid of flying. It was one of those totally tricked out busses with TVs and shag carpeting and all that shit. Our bus driver, I think his name was Dan, had just finished driving David Crosby and his wife on their tour. Dan said that all David and his wife did was stay in the back bedroom all day long, naked, and smoke freebase. Dan said David’s body was covered in sores and his wife used to pick off his scabs and eat them.”

The decibel level of the “Ewwws” and “Gross” fell just short of a fire alarm.

“You are so lying. That never happened,” Tara said.

“No way that happened,” Gretchen agreed.

“Really?” I was smug. I reached for my cell phone, looked up a number, and dialed from the speakerphone on my desk. I thought I’d try the office but Rich, Howie’s assistant, wasn’t there and I left a message.

“See,” Gretchen said, satisfaction in her tone.

“Okay.” I dialed another number, one I knew by heart. A tentative voice answered.

“How?”

“Yeah?”

“It’s Terry.”

“Hey, buddy. How’s it going?”

“Great. I’ve got three of my colleagues in my office. What can you tell us about David Crosby?”

“You mean eating scabs?” He said it without a single beat of hesitation. The girls screamed in delightful horror. I picked up the phone to talk to Howie.

“That’s all I needed to hear. Thanks, How.”

“Are you still in DC?”

“Yeah. I’ll call you tomorrow.”

“Okay, cool.” We hung up.

Gretchen playfully smacked my shoulder. Margo was making a finger gag in her throat. Tara pushed back her hair and shook her head.

After a day of feeling like I was wrong about so many things on so many levels, in battle for the smallest concessions from hostile forces, I basked in this moment of victory.
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Comments
wonderboynj From: wonderboynj Date: August 20th, 2004 08:31 am (UTC) (Link)
EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
privatesector From: privatesector Date: August 20th, 2004 08:47 am (UTC) (Link)
Heard he did some nasty stuff via the grapevine. After sharing the bill a number of times with the Ramones, not much manages to turn my stomach. EEEEWWWWWWWW anyway.
fabulist From: fabulist Date: August 20th, 2004 08:52 am (UTC) (Link)
And bask you should, babe.
ladycakes From: ladycakes Date: August 20th, 2004 09:32 am (UTC) (Link)
*HIGH FIVE*

I'm adding this to the long long list of reasons Melissa Etheridge makes me want to hurl
clintswan From: clintswan Date: August 20th, 2004 10:26 am (UTC) (Link)
um. gross.
brianrdu From: brianrdu Date: August 20th, 2004 11:06 am (UTC) (Link)
God, if there's one thing I love better than telling grossout stories to girls, I can't put my finger on it. I'm pretty spectacular at it if I do say so myself. I guess because I remember details so well.

:)

PS - that is fuckin' GROSS!
wordweaverlynn From: wordweaverlynn Date: August 20th, 2004 02:45 pm (UTC) (Link)

Reviews from the Crosby Cafe

The appetizer was crunchy around the edges, with a chewy center. A pleasant if unmemorable dish. The salad scab was light and crisp, but regrettably lacking in the dressing department. I missed the medicinal, almost iodine flavor I expect from a salad scab.

The main dish was moist and flavorful. Scab au jus (or au pus for the purists) arrived swimming in a rich greenish sauce. Although I'd ordered it rare, it peeled away from the elbow with no blood whatever.

For dessert, I had a choice of half a dozen ripe boils, each exploding with flavor.

guysterrules From: guysterrules Date: August 20th, 2004 05:17 pm (UTC) (Link)

Re: Reviews from the Crosby Cafe

Okay, um, super-ewwww!
backawayslowly From: backawayslowly Date: August 21st, 2004 09:07 pm (UTC) (Link)
Do you have any idea how impossibly fucking cool you are?

I really need to meet you soon.
guysterrules From: guysterrules Date: August 22nd, 2004 04:56 pm (UTC) (Link)
I can't wait for you to come to DC so I can show you exactly how uncool I really am.
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