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Thank you. - Sing With Me If It's Just For Today... — LiveJournal
If I should fall behind, Guyster, wait for me.
Thank you.
You guys are the bestest, most supportive group I’ve ever had the pleasure to know. And I am the luckiest man in the world. I've had more love in my life than most, I've been downright drunk with the stuff, and I have a lifetime of memories that surround me, and wrap me with the blanket only a grandma could make.

I'm a lucky man, indeed, and I am grateful. While I'll never, ever understand why Billy had to leave so soon, I do understand why Bob was just too tired to carry on, no matter how much I needed him. He did his service, that boy did, and he did it with all the grace and beauty of God's hand.

It was an awful weekend, no doubt about that. There’s no crayon color in the box to match how the weekend was, and that’s just as well for all the kids out there. I did the impossible. I held my boy in my arms when he passed away. Billy didn’t have that comfort from me but Bob did. And some might think it crazy talk but I believe Bob went from my arms to Billy’s, and they’re back together, the best friends they always were.

Joe is a man true to his word. He’s told me repeatedly that he would always be there for me if I ever sent the signal up to the sky. I did on Friday night, and he arrived in a flash, maintaining as much composure as he could muster while carrying my big dummy dog’s body in the elevator, to the car, and into the emergency room. He was there when the finality came up and gave me that wet, smutty kiss of reality. He watched as I did my final olive work on Bob. He came home with me and watched some insane Karl Freund and Peter Lorre collaboration, Mad Love, a romp from 1935 of a mad doctor who sews the hands of a psychotic killer onto the arms of a pianist. Five in the morning snuck up on us; the tranquilizers kicked in for me, and he passed out from exhaustion.

Joe spent the weekend, sleeping on Bob’s former perch. On Saturday, I was so dazed and so sad that spontaneous breakdowns were hourly. We went shopping, I think, and we watched more movies on TV. Joe had tracked down a precious copy of The Apple, a musical Sean and Vinny had introduced to me, and we sat on the couch, smoked pot, and giggled. And cried. It was confusing because I didn’t know which to do sometimes, and luckily, whatever direction I stumbled to, Joe joined me and helped.

I wrote on Sunday. Joe hung out until about two, and I had two assignments for my workshop on Wednesday. I wrote until I couldn’t stop crying then I stopped writing and watched Joe Schmoe. I went to bed around half past eleven, and I slept an uneasy and cold sleep.

For ten years, I was used to sleeping with a guy who weighed in at a buck seventy and an eighty pound dog on our queen-sized bed. It was actually a bumpy ballet every night as we rolled this way then that to find our spots, and we’d hold each other, entwined and safe. It was cramped and I’d sometimes grouse, and whine, and oh, God, what I wouldn’t do to have that back. Seriously. I would do anything.

Then it was just that damned eighty pounds of black fur and me, and I clung to him for all that I held dear in my life. For two years and four months, he provided the gentle snore, the warmth, and the connection that I miss so much from Billy.

Last night, the bed was cold and empty.

There are a few other things I need to write but I’ll let them sit for another day or two. I’m at work now and it’s very unseemly to cry at my desk. In the meantime, I thank you all for your amazing support, your generous spirit, and your instant compassion.

And I thank Joe. He’s a champ.
13 comments or Leave a comment
grrtigger From: grrtigger Date: June 21st, 2004 09:33 am (UTC) (Link)

*moral support*

I know that dealing with these feelings is tough, and I'm sorry that you have to go through it. Just remember that, with all of your friends in both Real Life and here on LJ, you always have a shoulder to lean on and a ready ear waiting to listen, so don't be afraid to use one or both as you need them because that's what friends do, and you don't have to go through it alone.
guysterrules From: guysterrules Date: June 21st, 2004 09:53 am (UTC) (Link)

Re: *moral support*

I appreciate that very much. I know. I was really touched by your words this weekend as we haven't been really engaged since we became LJ friends. I hope to more in the future.
grrtigger From: grrtigger Date: June 21st, 2004 10:32 am (UTC) (Link)

Re: *moral support*

I hope so too! It seems we have enough similarities to have a good start on a good rapport, and it's always good to explore that stuff to see how it turns out :)
ruralrob From: ruralrob Date: June 21st, 2004 09:54 am (UTC) (Link)
I can't tell you, td, how sorry I was to read this news, belatedly, today. Because you are such a good storyteller, I felt I knew Bob, even from this distance, and it hit me very hard indeed.

I know you will be upset for a long time about this and there is very little I can say that will help. Except perhaps that it would perhaps be nice to go and find a little puppy when the time is right, who might just put a smile on your face again.

In the meantime, I took this photo in the Ottawa market this weekend which I'd like to post here, in memory of Bob Slobbers.

guysterrules From: guysterrules Date: June 21st, 2004 10:25 am (UTC) (Link)
I thought of you this weekend, Rob, and your two boys. Give them extra kisses today from Bob, and me.
raptusanxieux From: raptusanxieux Date: June 21st, 2004 09:56 am (UTC) (Link)
All dogs go to heaven because they are FROM there to begin with.
guysterrules From: guysterrules Date: June 21st, 2004 10:25 am (UTC) (Link)
Ain't that the truth.
ladycakes From: ladycakes Date: June 21st, 2004 10:58 am (UTC) (Link)
I saw a goofy little gray muzzled lab yesterday and right away I thought of you and gave you a mental hug.

shawnsyms From: shawnsyms Date: June 21st, 2004 12:28 pm (UTC) (Link)
You inspire great affection in us all, Terry.
spleenless From: spleenless Date: June 21st, 2004 08:11 pm (UTC) (Link)
I processed some film yesterday that turned out to be from around 2/03, with numerous pics of Fletch in and around. Teary moments, but I was happy to have the pics.

Love and dog smooches,

creamycambot From: creamycambot Date: June 21st, 2004 10:14 pm (UTC) (Link)
I feel terrible. I was so caught up with visiting my friends that I did not call you. It is too late tonight. Tell me when is a good time to call you, and I will. I miss you.
uncle_james From: uncle_james Date: June 24th, 2004 11:51 pm (UTC) (Link)
I came across your journal through through mutual friends' writings. I don't know you, but wanted to share my condolences. I can imagine what you're experiencing, as I lost my father in early January. His beloved pup grieved as hard as the rest of the family. She was his baby, always a few steps behind him no matter where he went. It saddens me to know that her time to be reunited with him is much closer than I'm willing to admit. For my own selfish reasons, I wish she could stave off the inevitable for years to come.

Thank you for touching me with the grace, beauty, and honesty of your writing.

guysterrules From: guysterrules Date: June 27th, 2004 07:23 pm (UTC) (Link)
Thank you very much for checking in and saying kind things. I appreciate that, James, I really do.
13 comments or Leave a comment