GuysterRules (guysterrules) wrote,


Ruth England is making it look effortless as she rattles off this week’s protocol menu but as the camera pans across the faces of the contestants, you can see their tiny wheels turning or on some, their lips moving as they try to keep up. “You see, ladies, you’ve spent all day deciding on which man you think you can trust and now that you’ve made your decisions, we have one little surprise for you. Another woman.” The music stings, and a pair of shapely legs wobble on the stones leading up to the banishment ceremonial pit.

The camera pans up to see a younger, and if possible, dumber Loni Anderson as she strides to the assembled group. In her best Margaret Mitchell drawl, she voices that she’s just a typical all-American girl who has a boyfriend, and she has no intention of having sex because she has, well, a boyfriend.

“Now, meet Cameron. She will be our new member in Eden and as the new member, she will have her first pick of any of your men. Once she has chosen, you five ladies will then have to choose between the four remaining men. The one lady without a man will be banished from Eden forever.” The camera pans from Shawna, a nasty little viper that has traded on her marginal looks for power, and Liz, an even meaner and duller girl who sunk her claws into the best guy there, David.

But Ruth isn’t done explaining the rules, not by a long shot, as they seem to change with each episode to keep the mentally challenged contestants, and its audience, off base. With the calm of a British nanny who’s just shaken her charge a little too hard, she says, “If the woman, however, does not choose a man who is taken, she is able to keep her man but if there is another women interested, then the man has to decide which woman will have to leave immediately and be banished from Eden forever and ever.”

“God, I didn’t know there was going to be math involved,” Billy said, sarcastically.

I couldn’t have agreed more with him. The show is nothing more than random puppetry and the players are a vapid crew whose clock starts on Forever Eden the moment they arrive, and they bicker and connive to keep as much screen time as possible. The conceit is they can stay in this lush jungle paradise as long as they can play the game. That’s a tall order for this group of hard bodies and an even bigger challenge for me as I struggle to keep up with the beautiful and evil Ruth.

I didn’t watch it last night with Billy, of course, and Billy would have never said that line because he would have been upstairs re-mixing some Paul Oakenfold with his headphones on, and he would have been dancing. I would have been downstairs like a lost monkey, watching this nonsense and hanging on to its every word.

At least some things don’t change.

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