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Sing With Me If It's Just For Today...
If I should fall behind, Guyster, wait for me.
Any man who sports khakis understands the peril and responsibility of wearing them. Those standard issue pieces of a man’s wardrobe can bring an unparalleled embarrassment and lead to situations that can make those around you squirm or worse, laugh. It happened to me yesterday and not even for the usual reasons. No. This time, I was simply washing my hands when the faucet turned into an unexpected torrent in the shallow sink at waist level and spewed a thick stream of water right into my crotch. I was rushing to a meeting with one of the network presidents, and I stood in front of the rest room mirror dumbly looking down and wondering what to do. I tried blotting and rubbing, and eventually, I turned a relatively small spot into what looked like the map of Montana on my pants.

It usually happens when I’m in a hurry and don’t take the time for that extra last shake. One time, when I was rushing to my very first meeting with a client as a newly promoted agent at CAA, I managed a wet spot the size of a quarter directly over my penis. I tried to hunch over as much as possible without looking crippled to greet Dyan Cannon but the moment I stuck my hand out to greet, her eyes went straight to my groin and not in that fun, admiring way.

I traded in on this fashion anomaly when I organized an enormous party for my last network and hired a bevy of drag queens to flirt with the nervous straight men then secretly wet the front of their pants with little squirt guns. It was a fun night, watching the clueless guys wind their way through this party and the looks of horror on their dates’ faces.

It’s tricky wearing khakis, no doubt about it. You can stand and shake to the point of suspicion, and still something might happen once the zipper goes up. It can be the tiniest of spots or it can look like a fire hose had flopped out of control. Men snicker with knowing recognition but women wince. Who can blame them? There’s nothing in their physiology that leads to a similar visible boo boo.
11 comments or Leave a comment
snidegrrl From: snidegrrl Date: February 19th, 2004 07:56 am (UTC) (Link)
I don't understand... why not dab with TP in crucial moments?

ignorant non-penis owner :)
guysterrules From: guysterrules Date: February 19th, 2004 08:08 am (UTC) (Link)


See, at urinals, there is no TP available, and using a stall is not always an option or even close to a habit. Weird, huh?
snidegrrl From: snidegrrl Date: February 19th, 2004 08:13 am (UTC) (Link)


Whenever I think about men peeing, which uh, happens from time to time for whatever reason, I always like to think they dab, even though I know they don't. Sounds like a good reason to have a pocket stash of tissues, although I guess... you can't flush them in a urinal. What a conundrum!

Man, it would be hilarious if women had to pee outside a stall! The mere thought cracks me up.
shawnsyms From: shawnsyms Date: February 19th, 2004 08:01 am (UTC) (Link)
I like to pee sitting down, and avoiding this kind of afterspray is one of the benefits!

They should provide some kind of splashguard for that sink, though!
From: umkinda Date: February 19th, 2004 08:17 am (UTC) (Link)
Maybe you should wear a pad. They have wings.
backawayslowly From: backawayslowly Date: February 19th, 2004 08:53 am (UTC) (Link)

*cringe* again

spleenless From: spleenless Date: February 19th, 2004 01:20 pm (UTC) (Link)
Hmmm - the girly physiology has a nasty little trick called menstruation. Anyone who has ever stood up with a lovely growing stain from the red tide can tell you a pee spot will dry, a red spot is impossible to hide.....
quuf From: quuf Date: February 20th, 2004 10:42 am (UTC) (Link)
Too bad we can't just 'cap it off' like a pen. The US Patent Office is probably cluttered with schematic solutions to our little problem.
poohbearjim From: poohbearjim Date: February 21st, 2004 09:13 am (UTC) (Link)
I simply adore Dyan Cannon - I would have wanted to crawl under a rock! I sympathize, though...I wear khakis at work 50% of the time as well.
mickster From: mickster Date: February 21st, 2004 03:28 pm (UTC) (Link)


I would have totally laughed at you and brought people by to laugh also.
ubermunkey From: ubermunkey Date: February 21st, 2004 04:27 pm (UTC) (Link)
out damn spot out.
One time at band camp...

oops sorry mind in wrong groove.

related incident, during my incarnation as someone who even kind of gave a shit, I had spot issues prior to a big meeting. My out of the box mind, said hmm spot isn't going to go away anytime soon, SO lean up against counter and make spot huge wet area like 8 x 3 inches and bitch about leaning up against wet counter.... It worked pretty well for me, feel free to try it sometime.

ciao bub
11 comments or Leave a comment