I remember our last fight, one that happened sometime mid-week. It was dumb and quick, really, but one I regret now. I had taken my car in for service and Billy was supposed to pick me up at the dealership. He was late; so late, in fact, I started to call a cab when our neighbor’s car rounded the corner with Billy in the passenger seat, waving his arms at me like a maniac. That was a game we used to play. "Hey, over here!" we'd scream to each other while in plain sight.
I hopped in and he explained he had run out of gas in his car. I got angry because it was about the third time it happened in the past few months. I chided him for being irresponsible, but I didn't take into account that his bank balance was running on empty as well. I remember saying, “God, Bill, can’t I ever count on you for anything?” I said it right in front of our neighbor, who was driving.
I wish I could recount every single detail, every second, so I could somehow write it and make it permanent. I wish there were big events, memorable conversations, or weighty moments. There weren’t. It was just Billy and me, living our lives. I do remember waking up one morning that last week and saying, "Wow. That was good cuddling last night!" It had been cold that week, and we ended up in a nocturnal dance that was warm and satisfying.
There was one look, though, I will never forget. I wrote of it on this day last year on Live Journal. It was a fleeting second, a quick glance over my shoulder, but for whatever reason, I grabbed it. I think if things hadn’t exploded the way they did, I would still remember it, no matter what.
At one point, I looked back as he was taking pictures. I remember the look of determination on his face. I remember, in that second, falling in love with him all over again…In that second, I could see how much he was enjoying himself. I could see he believed he had his own future in control. I could see why I loved him so much.
Maybe that’s all I need, that moment. The flush of love and respect I felt, the earnestness that consumed his expression, and his sweet apple cheeks as he caught me staring at him and said, “What?” Maybe that’s all I need.