Log in

No account? Create an account
entries friends calendar profile My Website Previous Previous Next Next
You can't always get what you want - Sing With Me If It's Just For Today... — LiveJournal
If I should fall behind, Guyster, wait for me.
You can't always get what you want
I struggle to remember our last week together, every detail of it. I come up blank. I remember our last day and night, and I've detailed that last year on Live Journal. It was a Sunday. I remember the Saturday night before as well. I asked Billy what he wanted to do, we had no plans, and he said he wanted to just stay home. That was fine by me, and we did just that. The specifics are fuzzy although I remember all three of us trying to fit on the couch upstairs and watch TV. We figured it out, finally, and laid there with our heads on opposite sides of the couch and Bob entwined between our legs

I remember our last fight, one that happened sometime mid-week. It was dumb and quick, really, but one I regret now. I had taken my car in for service and Billy was supposed to pick me up at the dealership. He was late; so late, in fact, I started to call a cab when our neighbor’s car rounded the corner with Billy in the passenger seat, waving his arms at me like a maniac. That was a game we used to play. "Hey, over here!" we'd scream to each other while in plain sight.

I hopped in and he explained he had run out of gas in his car. I got angry because it was about the third time it happened in the past few months. I chided him for being irresponsible, but I didn't take into account that his bank balance was running on empty as well. I remember saying, “God, Bill, can’t I ever count on you for anything?” I said it right in front of our neighbor, who was driving.

I wish I could recount every single detail, every second, so I could somehow write it and make it permanent. I wish there were big events, memorable conversations, or weighty moments. There weren’t. It was just Billy and me, living our lives. I do remember waking up one morning that last week and saying, "Wow. That was good cuddling last night!" It had been cold that week, and we ended up in a nocturnal dance that was warm and satisfying.

There was one look, though, I will never forget. I wrote of it on this day last year on Live Journal. It was a fleeting second, a quick glance over my shoulder, but for whatever reason, I grabbed it. I think if things hadn’t exploded the way they did, I would still remember it, no matter what.

At one point, I looked back as he was taking pictures. I remember the look of determination on his face. I remember, in that second, falling in love with him all over again…In that second, I could see how much he was enjoying himself. I could see he believed he had his own future in control. I could see why I loved him so much.

Maybe that’s all I need, that moment. The flush of love and respect I felt, the earnestness that consumed his expression, and his sweet apple cheeks as he caught me staring at him and said, “What?” Maybe that’s all I need.
4 comments or Leave a comment
fabulist From: fabulist Date: January 20th, 2004 06:54 am (UTC) (Link)
...and you would have remembered it.

It's perfect, a snapshot of something small and endless all at once.
t_l From: t_l Date: January 20th, 2004 07:36 am (UTC) (Link)
It's hard to live in the moment and capture it for eternity at the same time, yet I find myself trying to do it so often with Liam. I think you may have it right when you say that maybe that moment, a specific moment, is enough.
backawayslowly From: backawayslowly Date: January 20th, 2004 08:27 am (UTC) (Link)
Your post reminds me of my struggle to remember where my mind was at on September 10, 2001, the day before the world blew up. The events of September 11 traumatized me, and weeks and months later I struggled to remember what it felt like to feel safe, not be paranoid by subways, crowded streets, tall buildings, and overhead airplanes. Obviously 9/11 effected me in a *much* smaller way than Billy's sudden death effected you (I wasn't really *close* to 9/11) ...but the idea that we can't remember the "mundaneness" of what were once day-to-day events and feelings of our lives challenges me and sometimes haunts me.

Sometimes we don't realize we feel something, until we can't feel it anymore...and then it's just too late to remember it exactly right.
ubermunkey From: ubermunkey Date: January 22nd, 2004 05:59 am (UTC) (Link)
balance eh? that one moment, that look, the love...

All about balance. For me it is a challenge to keep the ballance. I think of Elli, the moments that are in my mind, that help define me as a human and father, and then the moments of intense, soul crushing regret. The could haves and the should haves. The days where I was less than patient or the days we settled for something less than the trip to the park or the bookstore 'cause I was too tired.

The trick for me has been to embrace and relive the good while accepting and letting the bad go.

I wish you well big guy.
much love connor
4 comments or Leave a comment